Tomorrow is the day! Inside of every overweight woman is a skinny bitch. MOST of the time she wants out. When I was very young, weight didnt matter and I was thin. The older I got the more, the more curves I got. I didnt mind, except for when my mother would need something from somewhere (like maybe something fallen behind the tv) and I would offer to help and she would say no your too fat...where is my skinny minny (referring to my sister) Im big boned so I could never be super thin or I would look awful, but I wished I were thinner. Obviously not enough to actually do anything about it though. When I was a sophmore, a family member approached me sexually. It disgusted me....he kept talking about how some other guy was telling him how good I looked in a bikini. At that point the idea of being fatter and yucky seemed more appealing. As time went on I stopped caring about my weight all together. When I was a senior I started half days in school and worked at an auto parts store with all guys. I became the gofor girl. I was constantly running for fast food for them, and was eating all of the time. My birth control was also causing me more weight gain, but I helped keep at least some of it off by stopping at the gym every day. I graduated and stopped going to the gym...not that it mattered. I was already fat now by senior year. Now many moons, two children, and various bad habits later, I am heavier than ever.
Every New years I tell myself...this is it, Im going to lose this weight. I make that same promise to myself after every birthday, before every holiday, and basically whenever something traumatizes me and it has to do with my weight. And with every promise comes failure. It's downright disappointing. When you go clothes shopping and everything you find cute is in sizes much smaller than your own, and you want to cry...or worse you try something on and peek your head out to ask your husband for another size..and even though you already feel like an ass...the sales clerk has to add in "a size bigger I hope". Or how about when you insist it WILL fit and it WILL look good....then when you get it on, you realize that you might have to rip it just to get it off.
Here are a few other ugly reminders:
1. When someone tells you "You have such a pretty face"... (just finish what you really want to say..."if you didnt have that fat body attached to it")
2. you go to a company picnic and they have one of those stupid little trains...as soon as it pulls away you realize the spot your sitting in is dragging on the ground so you quickly get out (husband swears it continued even after I got off and wasnt my fault...but that was one of the worse feelings ever)(youd think I would have lost weight then, but I probably just ate more instead)
3. When your son calls you fat lady...and you know it was said as a mere observation and not an insult
4. Everytime you eat anything...unless it a lettuce leaf...you feel guilty...yet you eat it anyway and then you feel horrible after.
5.When you sit in a chair and think boy I sure hope this holds me or....
6. how about everytime you look in a mirror or have sex and feel super self conscience even though you never have before.
Maybe I am the only one who has felt these things, maybe Im not, but I am tired of it.
I picture my future and Im hot shit...I dont want that just to be a dream. I want to watch the "skinny minnys" from high school get fat and then show them that I did ok taking care of myself. I daydream of myself thin all of the time, but only once have I ever dreamed I was actually thin...I remember I was in a hottub and I looked great. I remember waking up and it felt so real. I was so disappointed that it was only a dream and I was depressed for like a week.
Tomorrow I will get together with my friends. I will finally tell that skinny bitch inside of me that its finally ok to come out.....I promise not to eat her. I wont do it alone this time. I will have some of the most awesome and beautiful women in the world to help me out. We'll do it together. Well get thin and gorgeous...we'll pamper ourselves and go shopping....then that 10 year reunion will come. We will walk in together as the hottest group of women together in one spot, at one time. Their heads will spin and when they come to tell us how good we look, we'll say Yeah we know...then we'll ignore them all....sit in the corner...talk shit about everylast one of them (just because we can)...and probably eat something not good for us and totally yummy because sometimes you just cant say no. I have to lose this weight also for my health and my children. I want my death to be caused by something out of my control, not because I couldnt put down my fork. Who knows maybe business opportunities will come out of this. We can start our own line of health food that looks and tastes like its bad for you. Heck even if it just looked like chocolate or a piece of cake, that would make this trip a whole lot easier. I refuse to not get thin this time, and I wont let my girls fail either. We deserve to have people treat us differentlly because were all nuts, not because of our weight. Im going to start thinking about about where we should take a girl trip when were done. Lets show the world that you can be from Cudahy and sexy without having a mold of our vaginas selling on the internet. Just saying

Beware as I poor my mind into font....and say whatever I want cause you dont know who I am.....well maybe two of you do HEHE